


smoke and dust

by Balthuza



Category: Shards of the Sun (D&D Campaign)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 02:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16904682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthuza/pseuds/Balthuza
Summary: The dust and ubiquitous smell of blood and smoke would make him vomit, but his stomach has been upset for so long now, that he barely notices it.





	smoke and dust

Nil breaths in. The dust and ubiquitous smell of blood and smoke would make him vomit, but his stomach has been upset for so long now, that he barely notices it. 

There is a comfort in the routine. They get up after as much sleep as they dare to take when there is still so much to be done. 

They let Meo sleep in, and when Nil watches the dark circles under boy's eyes, he feels like crying, but takes another breath and squashes the feeling down. There will be time for regret later, and right now he doesn't know, if he hates himself more for taking Meo with them, or for considering locking him in. 

Nobody cares his hands shake when he digs, his nails broken and bloody under the gloves, his muscles aching.

He doesn't remember ever being this tired, but every time he wants to stop to sit down, to give up he remembers the feeling of walls closing in on him, he remembers how it feels to doubt that anyone will ever save him. He pushes forward another day and in the evening he falls unconscious on the bed with the only blanket he kept, and spends a few hours dreaming of smoke and dust. 

When the stranger says ‘yeah, he died’ for a moment Nil thinks he will actually vomit even with his stomach empty. The part with ‘came back’ registers when the stranger, Merl, repeats it, and Nil can breathe again. 

Traían disappears with the stranger and Nil looks around, and sees no face he can attach a name to, bends his head and moves on, taking care of the blankets they managed to find, and pretends he is not falling apart. 

After the first one, he leaves a note for Leo every day, some are just shitty little doodles, when his hands shake too much to write legibly. Little flowers, an ugly kitten, a palm of a hand, the candy sea snake. They are awful, but he can't bear the thought of leaving Leo with no sign he is still there, still going forward, even if he can't really tell  _ where _ he is going. Away from where he is, probably. 

It is three days after Traían is gone and Nil has to wake up Meo after he has fallen asleep eating a meager breakfast he manages to make, that he breaks, and asks Grifaris to keep Meo in, to let him rest. 

When he drags himself away from home, he can hear the argument brewing, but he honestly is too tired to think about that. 

He is too tired to fall asleep in the evening, and he doesn't think when he goes down to the master bedroom and opens a bottle. 

He doesn't dream this night. 

The next morning he wakes up, the wine still warm in his stomach and he buries the bottle behind a cabinet, before he leaves. 

He is careful enough to make sure he will not forget himself, but broken enough to ignore the way wine feels on empty stomach,burning through the guilt and some of the tiredness. 

Nobody cares his hands do not shake when he hands out whatever he has found to whoever needs it. 

It is long after he comes back in the evening and notices the old bottle is gone that he remembers he did not leave a single word for Leo today and very slowly brings the new bottle back to the stand in Cosimo’s room, and falls into pieces right next to it. 

 


End file.
